(Please keep in mind that a person can have PTSD without going into military battle. A person can acquire PTSD from experiencing/witnessing things that cause profound emotional trauma in many areas of life.)
There was a point where I thought I was losing my mind. It felt like a pair of demonic hands was grabbing and bending my brain. I experienced many times where I felt like I was losing control of my mind and felt like I was disconnecting from reality.
There were three demons speaking to me the morning of the oppressive demonic attack: suicide and guilt and shame and they were bringing up my past bad decisions, hounding me with shameful things, and assaulting me with guilt in accusations from many angles. The evil spirit of suicide was telling me to do what he said so my pain would be over*, which is a boldfaced lie.
“Imagine a jail cell where light had rarely entered uncontested and a boy lay on that cold, damp, concrete floor curled in a fetal position, writhing in mental anguish, deathly afraid to share my story, afraid to try to get out, and trying to learn how to enjoy isolation by comforting himself. That was me. As an adult.”
I was diagnosed, by a psychiatrist, in January 2010 with ‘severe depression with suicidal tendencies and PTSD’. I remember hearing those words. It was like I had just been awakened to the depths of the pain and torment I had endured for over 30 years. It was bittersweet because I knew my time of running was officially over, but the journey of my wilderness wandering had only commenced. I had fresh hope because I knew massive changes were coming, yet I was also anxious (on top of the usual anxiety) because I believed I was not up to the task. I never had been, so how would I somehow muster the courage, strength, and drive when I felt so weak and intimidated? I hated the weakness and intimidation I felt. Oddly enough, the intimidation and fear of failure actually became gasoline to my fire and provided the thrust to surge me forward even in those times I wanted to just lay on the couch and stop fighting.
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It was intriguing to me how I knew immediately what was the crux of my spiritual problem the moment the attack occurred at 5:30 AM January 23, 2010. Like a massive scab being ripped off my soul, the crash was the awakening I desperately needed in order to see where my rebellion against God (sins) took me. All in refusing to live the life of a pastor! I tried to lived my life so EVERY SINGLE DECISION I made kept me from possibly fulfilling ‘the call’. I got involved in many rebellious activities — even transcendental meditation — because I absolutely, positively never wanted to be a pastor. I told God, “I’d rather shovel sh*t behind a horse than be a pastor.”
‘Why?’ you may ask. Because I saw pastors as father figures and my father figures were pretty … poor examples, so I rejected the idea of being a pastor. The men in my life always seemed to reject me for one reason or another, so I just concluded that I was not one of them. I felt I would never make a good pastor, let alone a good human being, so I tried to protect what was left of my tiny, fragile self-image by retreating into a life of sin and self-satisfaction. I was rejecting the call of God for the same reason people rejected me for — a lack of desire/inability to love another person as does Jesus. (By the way, sometimes, the way a person treats you is because of them, not you.)
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I didn’t realize how far off the path I had wandered, but I also did not realize how quickly God was able to get me on the path again. He truly is a miracle-working God!
In counseling, I was contented to learn, one day, that I was not alone in how I felt. The peace of God crept into the darkest dungeon of my soul when I cried out to Him. He is near to the brokenhearted. No matter what I had suffered and how my mind responded to it, I knew I required a deep release of the fear, pain, mental images, and anguish that tortured my soul and even if I didn’t feel up to the task, I knew God — who is Faithful — was.
What was I so afraid of? Why was I so afraid? I was a victim of child abuse of different types and once I opened up and talked about it, the discussions were so cathartic and freeing, I refused to hold back the hot tears and snot that poured from my weary face pretty much on a daily basis. I was justified by Jesus in the release of the oppressive feelings of rejection, depression, and guilt and shame because what Jesus accomplished at the Cross of Calvary, Jesus’ blood sets us free from every sin, sickness, and infirmity.
If you trust in Jesus (meaning you are a Holy Spirit-filled Christian/partner in the Blood Covenant), His blood covers you as well. Today’s pain won’t last, tomorrow’s healings will come, and you will make it if you remain close to Jesus! I promise. If He has done it for me, He will do it for you!
“There is no emotional, physical, or spiritual malady Jesus’ blood cannot redeem. ”
Prayer
Father God, the world says I have emotional/mental issues. What do You say? I bring the things that hound me, torment me, and cause me to drift from You and others. I cast these cares onto You for You care for me. I know You did not create me for Hellish things, but for Heavenly things and I reject the things that cause me to not have the life You made me to have. I repent of, renounce, and reject the sins that I committed when I was hurting others because I was hurting. Please forgive me, Lord, and help me live the life You have called me to live. Reveal the things I have done to honor the devil (Satan) in my life. I trade in my affections for sin that have given him a legal right to attack me and I ask that You would show me what I must do to make amends to those I have hurt. I ask that You would heal my soul wounds and empower me with the energy and directions I need to gain the freedom I so desperately desire. I know that will only happen with my complete surrender to You and Your will for my life. I lay myself at Your feet, my Lord and my God. In Jesus’ name I pray, amen.
For clarity on PTSD, please visit this website:
https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd/index.shtml
*I am convinced that those who take their lives will not enter Heaven. Please understand that God absolutely loves us and understands our pain, but He never condones murder (Sixth Commandment - Thou shalt not kill) and suicide is the murder of oneself.
Also, please read 1 Corinthians 6:19-20 and 1 Corinthians 3:16-17.
God bless you!
Banner photo by Patrick Hendry on Unsplash