One very tender issue in the lives of many people is feeling free enough to experience intimacy. Having the trust it requires can be difficult for the average person. As I endured depression, it became obvious to me that this journey to the land of true, human relationship meant I would have to cross over to a place of vulnerability that required the traversing of what seemed like a 2000-foot-high rope bridge over a waterfall. Not only would I have to muster the courage to face this challenge, but actually make the trip across — something that seemed as easy as facing a bloodthirsty giant.
You see, I used to hate God with all my heart, all my soul, all my mind, and all my strength. At that time, God’s requests for a closer walk with Him seemed awkward at best and torturous at worst. How was I to lay down all my presuppositions and my agenda AND my fears of retribution … surely God isn’t just going to forgive ALL my sins?
As we read the Old Testament, it’s easy to see why people the world over have perceived God as a bloodthirsty, cruel fear monger. We see how armies and entire nations are laid waste in short order. Most people don’t know about the covenants and the fact of the matter being that “the wages of sin is death.”
That was a part of the reason why I grew up in an atmosphere of fear and paranoia of God. Back in high school, I tried to release all that paranoia, fear, and hate and concluded that if I rebelled against God, I’d find the liberty from God I thought I needed. I was sick and tired of the life I lived and trying to make people happy so God would be pleased with me. Does that sound familiar? I went into a deliberately different direction — the opposite of God; the opposite of repentance. Anywhere He wanted me to go, I went the opposite direction. Many people live under a shroud of deception based on a lie about God.
I’ve mentioned this before, but I’ve always heard from God. It’s very difficult to rebel against Him when you are in that type of spiritual homeostasis. As a matter of fact, I concluded that everybody must hear from God because nobody made a big deal of it. That, of course, left me wondering why people acted the way they did. I didn’t believe I had a special gift because my situation — and people — led me to believe I wasn’t special at all.
I also threw God into the mix because He was supposedly in charge, or, like so many millions of others, I thought He rejected me, so I was going to reject Him. How would Christianity ever make sense to a person like me? How would I make any of my dreams come true since I was under the impression He was instrumental to anything good in my life? I figured I’d just have to make my own way.
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In this intense inner wrestling match between the real me and the emergent caricature me, I decided I didn’t believe in love at all. Love seems to get a bad rap when relationships sour, so it was another casualty in my dystopian self-implosion. But how did I get into such a quandary? My life was slowly unraveling right in my hands.
The distortions came as a young child as abuse and manipulation became a way of life. I was bullied at school and at home and on the basketball court and in the locker rooms and in society and, you get the picture. Abuse is what opens a soul to the demonic like nothing else. In my rebellion against God, I searched for ways to comfort my angst for inner peace without Him and found that, like billions of others, I had to deceive myself and believe some astronomically obfuscated BS in order to make that seem possible.
So, one day, I was crouched on the floor of my basement, sobbing out, “Please help me, God!” Suddenly, I discovered I was back at Square One … with all the same problems I had the day before, but something was very, very different: I hit rock bottom. And I knew what He wanted to hear.
“Okay! I’ll be a pastor!”
Everything must be on God’s terms. Everything. You might have mistakenly concluded because ‘He gives us more grace,’ that means He meets us where we are. I chuckle at that because I know how many people have perpetuated that sentiment. However, we meet Him where He is because He’s everywhere. He’s always been near us!
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
So here I was, I “came to Him” because I was weary and heavy laden with an incredible burden of baggage and lies and things that make you go, “Hmm.” He received me as His own and showed me that He wasn’t going to treat me as I treated Him. (Whew!)
The fact that He didn’t treat me as my actions deserved got me thinking … why didn’t He let me die when He could have? He saved my life three times from certain death and one time from the pit of Hell. I was discovering something about God that didn’t balance with my thoughts about Him — mercy.
This exposed the lie I believed about God being a bloodthirsty, cruel fear monger and replaced it with the truth that “God desires that none should perish, but that all would come to repentance.” Suddenly, my life started to open up with possibilities. I thought I was disqualified because of how “dirty” of a sinner I was. I soon came to learn the enduring truth, “God doesn’t call the qualified, He qualifies the called.”
His relentless mercy gave me what I needed the very most — hope. I started to trust Him more and more until I got to places where I could do nothing but trust Him. There were times when the depression tried to crush me and it kept me from living the life God called me to. Like Rocky in the 14th Round, I’m a fighter and even though this spiritual battle was tearing and wearing me down, it never stole my soul.
The devil (Satan) wants to steal your soul. He wants to grind you down and wear you out until you just want it all to go away. I never gave up and you won’t either. You will have to go stretches of time where you feel all alone, but you are never alone.
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Love is available for us all and God’s love, His agape love, that covenant love that reminds us that He will never leave us or forsake us and persistently reminds us that “the race is not to the swift or the battle to the strong, nor does food come to the wise or wealth to the brilliant or favor to the learned; but seasons and difficulties happen to them all.”
God has plans for each and every person, but we have to agree with Him for those things to come to pass — they don’t just happen. The devil has decided to stand in the way of all your blessings.
The key to a life lived for Jesus is love. I have decided to follow Jesus for the rest of my life and that means I am pursuing an intimate relationship with a knowable God. He reveals Himself to us and we have the option to respond. We reveal ourselves to Him and He responds. Again, there may be times when we reach out to Him and it seems He’s giving us the cold shoulder, but He’s never silent for long. His desire for a relationship with us is greater than our desire for Him.
In Psalm 63:6, David declares, “On my bed I remember you; I think of you through the watches of the night,” and in verse 8, “I cling to you; your right hand upholds me.” He knows he can trust in God through thick and thin and no matter what happens to him, it has to first go through God. That’s our solace in difficult times, as well. We have to get to a place where we don’t simply reach out to God when we feel weak or in danger, but always. How do you enjoy spending time away from people you truly love? God promised to “never leave you or forsake you.” Will you make Him that same promise today?
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I never let the devil win. He may have won some rounds, and some battles, but he will never defeat me as long as I am hidden in Jesus. As a Spirit-filled, reborn Christian, it is the same with you. Make that decision today to never let the devil take another battle from you. Stand your ground and fight the good fight of faith and cling to God as though your life depended on it ... because it does.
Many people have declared this passage over their lives, but it takes a champion to actually live it out. The root of the strength behind such revelations is the intimacy of a human being with the desire to never allow anything to stand between you and God.
You can be a champion if you refuse to allow the devil and his demons to defeat you. You, indeed, can “do all this through Christ who gives you strength.” God desires intimacy with you not simply for friendship, but as the Bride of Christ, we Christians, occupy a particular place in God’s heart — we are the apple of His eye. Make Him the apple of your eye and you will discover that the best is yet to come!
Prayer
Father God, as my life has been shaken and stirred, I have witnessed Your providential mercy and love at every turn and in every wave. There have been times when it seemed as though You were nowhere to be found, but then the tide ebbed and I could see You again. You are marvelous and graceful in all You do. Help me become more comfortable in Your presence. Help me gain the freedom I need to step into a deeper relationship with You. I admit I’ve had intimacy issues and I bring them to You so You can set me free from them once and for all. Have it all! Take me deeper than ever before — as deep into Your loving embrace as anyone has ever gone. Show me the love I need to know and grant me the love I need to possess. Thank You, Lord for all You’re doing for me! In Jesus’ holy name, amen!
Photo by Jonathan Borba