If you were to ask people what their greatest fear is, you might hear things like “Public speaking,” or “Flying,” or even “Death.” But would you believe this particular fear is at the root of most of mankind’s relational problems and is arguably their greatest fear — yet nobody talks about it?
Fear has to do with punishment and the anticipated pain/loss/grief that results from it.
“There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.”
If you are anything like me, you have struggled to find your place in the world. You have struggled to find your niche, your identity, the right friends. Starting in high school, I found it difficult to fit in. I tried to make friends with anyone I thought might like me and vice versa. I really didn’t know what I was looking for, but I believed that I would know it when I saw it.
However, the thing I recall best is how I didn’t know myself. (It’s funny how time - and Godly revelations - can help clarify things.) The missing piece of the puzzle was that I was looking for somebody to complete me.
We have experienced some deep disappointments and undesirable unresolved conflicts. These emotions produce anxiety and a flight, fight, or freeze response. The possibility of anxiety waves washing over us or even the prospect of a full blown panic attack can seem too much for us to deal with, so we learned to avoid certain people, places, and things instead of facing them head-on as we normally would if we just felt strong like we used to. Trying to “fit in” becomes a dangerous liaison because the wounds we have suffered caused us to believe that we are weak and needy instead of strong and generous as God designed us to be.
Many times, just to fit in, we have lived in ways we have known are not good for us, but we have often sacrificed our moral conscience in the name of friendship. We know, deep down, that any sort of profound compromise such as this is destined for disaster. We might not have wished to consider the weight of that decision at the time it was made, yet we would eventually discover that there was never a way to avoid “Paying the Piper” for the sins that went along with each and every moral compromise.
I started drinking to drunkenness at the age of 12 and got into drugs at the age of 17. I used to be known as a teacher’s pet/nerd and a wimp and, one day, finally had it up to here with who I was. I needed a primal makeover if I was ever going to break out of this mold. I hated what I had become, not that I was a rotten person, but the “goody-two-shoes” thing had become detestable to me. I figured I’d strip away the knit shirts and khakis for Heavy Metal concert T-shirts, jeans, and a “devil-may-care” attitude because my fellow drug-addicts dressed that way and, evidently, I had to fit in.
Many times, we have desired to stand out, but many more times we have desired to fit in. In high school, there can be intense peer pressure to conform to the image and social norms of the “cool kids,” entertainers, or social media influencers instead of God.
Photo by Jon Tyson on Unsplash
You might have felt that since you were not appreciated by the people important to you, you might as well try to be good at being bad; like I did. You might have tried to find a group that would accept you for who you are instead of seeking people who would help you become the best you. We become most like the people around us. Or maybe you tried to find people who would “love” and receive you in whatever way because you felt unlovable. You might have been “Lookin’ for love in all the wrong places.”
“Or do you not know that wrongdoers will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor men who have sex with men nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.”
Where Do I Belong?
The only person who can ever complete you is not a human being, but God Himself. That’s exactly why a relationship with God is critical to a sound mind.
“For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.”
In our battle to defeat depression, our number one goal is to possess a sound mind. I remember this very well. As I was struggling to make my way out of bed and have some sort of life on certain days, my greatest hope and joy was when I accomplished some small tasks.
Seeing this photo of this rock climber might make you think you can’t do that, but allow it to stir you deeply as your spirit rises up to affirm that you should be out living life to the fullest, too.
That picture reminds me of something. Let me share a moment in my life where I arrived at a point where I put my foot down and told depression, ‘You’re not gonna’ beat me today!’ In the year of The Crash, I struggled with severe depression. We were in Lake Tahoe and visited Sand Harbor where boulders firmly entrenched in calm waters bask in the sunshine, affording adventurous visitors the opportunity to jump into 60 degree water from heights up to 30 feet.
As I watched the handful of younger people jumping and having a great time, I felt like this would be a great opportunity to not merely make a memory, but to gain an emotional breakthrough. I lived with many fears, regrets, and possessed a ton of emotional wounds and I figured I’d take a plunge because something within me was telling me not to. (I learned in counseling that I would have to disobey that “other” inner voice — a demon — in order to regain some of my lost power.)
As I made my way up to the top of the boulder, I came into contact with the very same people I had been admiring from afar. They were very receptive and could tell I was nervous. They assured me I was fine and I already knew the water was cold, but the fact that the top of this huge boulder was wet and had moss on it made me rethink the whole thing. As I determined that I must take the plunge, I took a deep breath and told myself I am going to do it — no matter what.
When my turn came, I stepped up, looked over the edge, and noticed the boulders under that beautifully greenish-blue Tahoe water. A man standing next to me informed me that I must jump out as far as I can so as to avoid said boulders. I nodded, took a breath I would now hold, and as I pushed off, my right foot slipped on the moss and I did not get out like I had planned. You got it. I dove feet first, of course, and my feet hit the boulder. I groaned so deeply that, when I got back to the top of the jumping off spot, they said they knew I hit the boulder because they heard me groan all the way up even though I was under water.
Regardless, I jumped two more times off that giant rock and into that frigid wetness, a man with a fresh sense of belonging to God’s creation again. That’s what we have been searching for — a place to belong.
“Go therefore and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all things that I have commanded you; and lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the age.”
We all need to know where we fit in or what is more typically asked, “What’s God’s will for my life?” God has given all mankind free will to determine where we want to spend eternity. He doesn’t decide our eternal destination for us as if He’s choosing sides for a game of kickball. Because of that, we must understand we are called to fulfill the Great Commission as Jesus has commanded us to carry on His original mission to Earth. We are the agents of change and mankind needs to know that Jesus is the one and only Savior because He’s the only one who dealt with our sins once and for all in His own body.
So, it is impermissible for a Christian to ask the question as if we had no idea, but we must spend more time in His presence so we can know Him better and help others do the same. Our identity as a Christian is in Jesus and what He did and wants us to do. In other words, we fit in the Kingdom of Heaven because Jesus made a way where there was no way. Hallelujah!
Prayer
Dear Heavenly Father, thank you for giving me purpose in my pain. You are so kind and graceful to me! Thank You for being so generous with Your resources and with wisdom, understanding, and discernment. I ask that You would guide me into all truth and reveal the areas in my soul where I need deep healing so I can continue to grow in You and in stature before all mankind. It is not Your desire that I remain feeling like a broken vessel, but that I would become all You made me to be so I can fulfill the Great Commission. Please show me where You want me — where I belong — and provide for my every need so I can accomplish all You have for me. Please forgive me for all the stupid decisions I made in trying to fit into places You never wanted me to go. Wash me clean with Your Word and by Your Holy Spirit. I want to help others know what You’ve done for me and that You will do for them what You’ve done for me. In Jesus’ name I pray, amen.