While enduring wave after wave of anxiety and the crushing feeling of depression, it can be very difficult to accomplish simple tasks like making a decision.
What happens in some peoples’ minds when they endure depression is their ideas of decision-making become egregiously negative and weighty even if it’s deciding where to grab a quick meal. Decisions can seem like they carry great repercussions and sometimes, we have had so much stress and heartbreak that we are reticent to make even one more important decision.
My counselor talked to me about this and she mentioned the loss of “psychic energy.” I didn’t know if that was the best way of putting it, but the point came shining through — I had to find a way to re-establish my decision-making prowess.
Photo courtesy Nathan Dumlao @ Unsplash
I prayed about this problem that seemed like my fatal flaw. I wondered if I’d ever get out of that psychological porta-john of negativity and directionless drivel. Holy Spirit revealed that the problem I was experiencing was a matter of a loss of confidence because of perfectionism.
This perfectionism - what I called a “major rager” perfectionism — is an especially wicked sort of insidious pride of life that distorts one’s reality to a point of selfishness and fantastic denial. Perfectionism is a person’s futile methodology toward trying to make everyone equally pleased/impressed with them. And this I had in spades as a result from trying to satisfy my mother’s wanton lust of perfection while she strove needlessly to satisfy her own desire for perfectionism that she got from her dad — and most likely on and on.
While thrashing about in the throes of depression, there were times when I simply felt like I couldn’t do anything right and that drove me into an ever-downward, spiraling despair that drained me of precious ‘psychic energy’ as I tried even harder to achieve some sort of perfect … something.
This self-doubt wreaked havoc on my self-esteem and it caused me and my wife to cancel dates and events. Clearly, this perfectionism was running/ruining my life and I needed a serious breakthrough.
Of course, some decisions were much easier to make than others. There are the “call of the wild” moments, when fear struck and I retreated to ‘safe places’ in my house and mind. Easy. But then there were the times where I would freeze and perform mental gymnastics just to decide what shirt to wear and how to manage going to the grocery store. My ‘psychic energy’ would ebb and flow with each new decision, which many such moments felt like direct challenges to my manhood — and, for all intents and purposes, that’s what it’s always been.
“The devil (Satan) prowls around like a roaring lion seeking someone to devour.”
When we live deceived, believing one lie or many, the devil has manifold opportunities to capitalize on our ignorance and desires. God has given each one of us holy desires, but Satan’s desire is for us to fulfill his desires and not God’s. So, Satan attempts to deceive us into thinking his way is better than God’s and he leads many people astray by lies and deceptions that seem good, but end in death and destruction. He wants us to think we can play with fire and not get burnt, then he entices us to feel guilty and shameful after having been burnt, making the emotional situation even worse than the physical situation — just as it is in Hell.
For those of us who are empathic and otherwise more sensitive to embarrassment, this pattern can become a merry-go-round of sorts. So, how do we break free from the merry-go-round of deception, sin, and guilt and shame? Make the decision to trust in Jesus no matter what happens and allow Him to “take the wheel” so you can live knowing He has your back and will bring you through all the things that you have caused and what happened to you. As a child of God, He takes our lives very seriously and wants the best for us.
“Yet to all who did receive him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God — children born not of natural descent, nor of human decision or a husband’s will, but born of God.”
The greatest decision anyone can make is to follow Jesus and enter into the Blood Covenant. You might be going through a rough patch in your life, please keep in mind that the things you did that gave the devil the legal rights to attack you (sins) need to be eliminated through prayer, fasting (if you physically can), and open dialogue prayer of repentance and confession of sins. Please feel free to truly open up and let it rip in prayer. He knows how you feel.
Photo by Josue Escoto on Unsplash
Ultimately, my desire is to encourage you to take heart, because Jesus has already dealt with the sin curse on the Cross. We just need to ‘fess up and allow Him to deal with our sins. There’s nothing He hasn’t seen and nothing that can gross Him out. That means all you need to do is allow Him to take control and He will guide you, step-by-step, each day of your life.
Jesus has overcome the world, so you can be assured that this, too, shall pass and you will get through this with His help and guidance. You will, however, have to decide whom you will follow — with finality in forsaking all so-called gods — and follow Him with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength. If you love Him and trust Him, He promises to turn around all situations for your good. God bless!
Prayer
Father God, I come before You as humbly as I know how. I thank You that Your goodness that follows me all my days. I have had trouble making decisions because I’ve made some bad ones and I just don’t want to keep making bad mistakes. Please forgive me for the times I hurt Your heart and for when I’ve hurt others. In Jesus’ name, I cancel out all the bad decisions I’ve ever made and I ask that You would bless each and every person I’ve hurt over the years. If need be, help me to make things right in their lives. I don’t want to hurt myself or others anymore. Please align my heart with Yours to live the life You called me to live. You made me and I want to honor You with all I do. In the place I am now, I ask that You would shine Your glory light into the darkest recesses of my soul and lift me out of this pit. I am ready to do whatever it is You want me to do. Mend me, mold me, bend me, shape me, Lord.
In Jesus’ mighty name, amen.
Banner photo by Igor Rodrigues on Unsplash